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Wellness

How I Found Faith In The Universe

What is faith in the universe? Faith is simply trusting that there is always a reason, no matter what, for the things we have. The reason is called God. The universe loves us; even if we do not believe. If God does not exist, we just would not exist. We would not know why we are here or what to do. That is what faith is. It is trusting that there is a reason. It is accepting that we will never know everything, but that the reason that we are here, the purpose that we are here, is simply to live long enough to love somebody and be loved back.

Faith is what kept me going during the tough days and nights of this summer. My greatest fear turned out to be unfounded. I had faith in the universe and in God. This summer, I’ve discovered the best part of living in a city with so much beauty and so much promise: I finally have faith in the people. It was a miracle to see the way all of my fellow students embraced each other through the hardest time of the year and through all of the hard times after. The resilience and the love I saw is what I know God has created me to see. Even in the face of all the challenges this summer, my faith in people and the universe won out.

I know I will never feel whole or complete without you. I can tell you without a trace of hyperbole that I have been in a loving relationship and a passionate one and I know it will last, forever.

You are my greatest love. I am not going to let you go because of your illness. You are the one person who has held me up through the years, pulled me up when I didn’t think I could go on. But there are times this year when my life is so dark I don’t want to exist. Sometimes I would like to see you dead, and then I would be sad. I would like to go to hell and get the fuck out. I’d like to hear the gospel, but only a person who has never been a Christian would understand. I would rather be with you, and hear what God has to say about me, and believe whatever he does tell me, to know that I am worthy to live this amazing life. I know I can do this.

I’ll write to you. The letter I write and the love I show you, I’ll hold onto and I’ll treasure. This isn’t what you deserve, or what I deserve. We deserve far nicer things from each other and so do you. I hope we make your wedding day special, like that is all I can ask of you. I have never been more certain of anything in my life, ever. I can tell you that right now you are the greatest person I know. Your life and the life we are making together will be the greatest thing I have ever lived. I know the universe loves you. Please believe that, because no matter how hard it is to believe, it is true.

You have been the rock on my heart today. I am sorry I haven’t been you in more than a year.

I’m sorry I won’t tell you how I got to church that morning, but it wasn’t a lie. You are wonderful and strong and amazing. I know you would never have believed in God without me.

I know you and I will meet somewhere. That doesn’t mean it is going to be in heaven. There are places that can take us, and they don’t take place in the Bible either. I am sorry. For one thing, there is a lot of love in the universe. There is even the light in the universe. You are still here. That doesn’t mean that the road I take to get here is a perfect one. There are not perfect roads, and this may not be one of them. But the journey is the point. I am going to keep telling myself that.

Thank you so much for loving me.