How To Find Your Own Self-compassion

When we feel so strongly about something we may not feel it, it can be easier to give up. So for those who have let go (i.e., quit smoking, dumped a friend, lost a job, etc.) or those who are at the point where they need help, finding one’s own self-compassion can be tricky. It’s not as if you are asking to grow or grow your way out of a hole, but when you truly are in denial, your way will inevitably become narrower.

For those who feel that they are growing more in one area, and in one direction, may we suggest that you first work on improving how you view yourself in relation to others, how you deal with others, others or how you see a relationship with yourself, especially when they are not doing well and hurting.

If someone is struggling with their marriage, their child may be struggling with their school work, their child may be struggling with their finances, it’s not a bad idea to begin looking deeper into the causes of what has been problematic. If your child is being beaten at home, you need to talk to both sides of the story from the parents and the teachers. If you know a person has an addiction it’s important to seek more support from your local addict recovery center or seek professional help.

I’m not saying that some folks will have to learn to care less about themselves in order to care less about someone else, but you cannot put off the process indefinitely, and certainly not permanently. If you allow other people to hurt you, you are doing you a disservice and will only have yourself to blame if things don’t work out.  You need to do the emotional work first.

If you find that you have learned how to deal with the negative behavior of other people first, you can then apply what you have learned to improve your own feelings. I mean, how can you be miserable and be in denial for so long, let alone deny that you do it and then continue to put yourself into a position to further hurt yourself, right? That’s not healthy.  

This is exactly what happened to me, and it’s the same as if you were told you are fat and now you are fat by other people. If you allow them to put their needs and expectations before your own and then they tell you about the benefits of having them around, well, it’s like the obese person saying, “Well, I know, right?”. They are simply telling you what they want you to hear, and then they are moving on to the next person. It is important to remember that if other people do this to you, it is because it was not them who did it initially. They have never even learned to care less for themselves, so why should they care less to you in the future?

I’m not so self-involved as some people think – I’ve never cared about an ego like that and I’m not about to start right now. I just don’t want to do it anymore, but for me to do it right would require me to admit to myself that I am narcissistic, that has caused me to be so selfish and so hurtful. It would take away the power of my ego and would allow me to gain control over my feelings of self-worth. I just do not see how I could do this with a narcissistic personality and if I were to even begin to admit to such things I might be accused of “losing control”, which makes me think that I am in denial.

I’m starting to see what is happening to me as narcissistic. I don’t have to think about myself, but I do have to think about someone else and how my life needs to fit into their life. I can’t do that anymore. I also have to let go of my sense of entitlement (which is probably rooted in trauma/abuse, and is part of what I was complaining about earlier).

If I were to change my sense of entitlement I’d end up being a better person, and I know that I would have to change my view of others and myself in order to change my life and behavior. I would have to have a change of heart. That’s not easy, but it is possible.

If you need to find your own self-compassion you would be well served to seek it out.