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Wellness

How To Make Love More Mindful And Intense

You think, “Oh I love this guy, I might as well just go out and have sex.” You’re afraid it is going to be painful. You try to change your mind, say it’s nice. How is that going to make you feel? This is a good question to be asking yourself. You’re not going to be able to change anybody, but what you can do is change how you feel. Asking yourself that question on a regular basis and not beating yourself up about it, when you become more aware of the way your mind operates, will help you become more mindful and give you more of a powerful experience.

In my work with couples, I have noticed that the people who are most successful in marriage are those who are able to manage their emotions. It sounds weird, but it’s an actual science. You need to learn how to feel better. You need to learn what to do and what not to do in order to help you feel better.

You also need to learn what triggers your emotions. This can be a very hard thing to do because you have to learn to listen to what your partners can feel. You have to learn to become a more flexible listener rather than always sticking your finger in your ear and listening for the answer because you have a hard answer to give. You need to learn to go outside of your body and see what they’re trying to tell you. And you can’t just tell them, “Hey, this feels better.” Your job is to get inside their heads so you can better understand it. You are going to have to understand that they are different and that they have a different mind set. If you say, “Oh, that feels better,” you are probably driving around your partner with your ego and your pride. They aren’t going to go for that. They are going to turn off any conversation because they are upset.

As couples get into that stage of knowing the difference between what is real and what is not and really knowing that there is a difference, it can be difficult to get them back into the stage of anger. Some spouses say they feel angry when they’re with their partners. I think there must be a part of their brain that is very good at detecting anger, that they are very good at it. Sometimes they feel angry when their partners don’t want to have an argument. Then, their minds will get into the negative thought pattern and they will think, “I can’t do this anymore.” And that is why it takes more time to get them to get back into the anger, because their brains are not in that phase of having an outburst anymore. After that we are getting back into the anger, where they would get very angry in that situation, and they would have a very difficult time taking care of those feelings.

A lot of times if a person is angry, a lot of times they would have to make a big decision. They would have to think about, “Am I going to let this person know I am upset? Or am I going to continue to talk and pretend that this is not happening?” I’m not saying all these people don’t make those hard decisions. What I’m saying is that when I look at a person who is angry, I don’t think there is any difference between anger and panic. They have the same reaction. Their eyes are watering. Their heart is racing. Their hands are clenched and they are just looking for their loved one. But the difference between panic and anger is something that our bodies need to get into and learn how to manage.

You see anger as a part of a bigger pattern of getting into that state. Sometimes people can get into an argument very easily with their spouse. They can be verbally aggressive, and they may push or hit their partner. But once they get in that mode, they don’t think about it. They don’t consider that that can actually hurt their partner. After that we move into the “fight” where we use our body to defend ourselves. We use our body not only to defend ourselves, but we also use it in a defensive way, and we might use our teeth to bite our spouse.