How To Stop Living Your Life For ‘the One’

As Duffey noted, this “perfect marriage” can come without pain if you approach it in the right way. Asking “How did I get to this point?” is just the beginning.

When we have a love affair that has been in place for a while, we assume there is some secret formula for success. But we don’t expect that love to continue without pain. When we go “cold turkey” out of love, it is natural to go through some painful withdrawal. But after this initial shock, we are faced with a new world. It is an exciting time filled with new opportunities, and we are no longer the same person we were before our love affair took place. I have experienced this first hand, and it doesn’t have to be this way for everyone. If you have experienced the pain of a relationship that is over for good, the journey will no doubt be a little more difficult than it was before. And I don’t mean that in a light-hearted way. When the pain of parting from a life partner gets intense, it can be extremely difficult to continue on with a new relationship. But there was a time when I went “cold turkey” in my relationship with Mark, and I did so because I wasn’t ready to lose him. It made my pain a little less painful, and I am a better person for it. So I encourage you to keep going, and give yourself one more chance to be “healthy” and whole.

If you are struggling to make the transition from being involved in a monogamous relationship to being fully involved in a polyamorous one, I encourage you to take care of yourself. Don’t let your pain prevent you from opening up to those around you about your new relationships. Take care of yourself.  Go to bed early and wake up early. Take care of your health. Eat right.  Meditate.  Get more sleep. And I don’t mean go the whole way through a full night’s sleep. I mean that your brain will be working overtime to function throughout the day just to help you function.  Stay off your computer.  Get more exercise.  Spend quality time with friends.  Get over your fear that talking to people will ruin you, or that you are “wasted.” These are all silly fears that you have about engaging in new relationships. It’s the same with polyamory, it’s the same with any new love. The only time it sucks is when you don’t get a chance to open up to people. 

The journey of getting out of a painful relationship is not easy, but you are stronger when you get out. You have the power now to choose your own path.

I highly recommend reading The Polyamorous Way-A Practical Guide to Living Openly , written by the poly and polyamorous author and psychologist Sherry Wolf. It covers all the necessary things that a polyamorous person needs to do to get themselves out of the toxic relationship that a previous love brought them to. And that is a journey worth taking.

“But you can keep a relationship you’ve made up, right”? The answer is very much yes, once you know what you are doing. For example, if this person has a family, you can keep the relationship; there is nothing wrong with that. Of course, a monogamous person would find that difficult. After all, you are leaving a person for whom you gave all of your time. But the polyamorous relationships will be different, because the primary relationship is not the one people focus on in the beginning. That is why I wrote a whole book dedicated to this topic, called, Why Polyamory Works . I did not say that polyamory will work for everyone, because it does not work for everyone, but I still think that it is a great step for every person to take. If you are truly looking for new love, polyamory is a great way to start. 

I am so passionate to see people have open relationships, not because of the end result, but because of the beginning steps. I think of this love as a gift, and I see it as my responsibility to give the love back. I feel that my actions have an effect that I can’t take back. Because of that, I look for the people who deserve to be loved back. I’m going to be the best that I can be for anybody that I love. That’s exactly what I’ve done with Mark, and I hope that it’s what we can all do.