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Wellness

What I Learned As A First-time Baby-rancher

The greatest joy I could ever experience on earth was when I was able to feel at home, to love, to be loved and accepted for whose company I had no choice! All the time I feel overwhelmed due to the amount of suffering I feel on earth due to human greed, hate, hate for being born, love for being born.

I was given the gift of life a second time around — I’d already been given birth once. And yet, life is so much more interesting than the way many folks like they wish it was. It is far more beautiful than the illusion of a happy life to be lived only through material possessions and “taste the tears” of others.

Life was made very interesting during my first pregnancy…the first baby wasn’t even born …

My friends and family had always said: “It’s impossible to become a parent. I’d try for a while and would be discouraged, then quit, go back to work….” Then when I was able to give birth to my husband and his sister on our 1st anniversary, my friends had to understand the power of “babies and babies” in their lives and the “real” importance of their mothers as mothers themselves. I had to make it obvious that I was a mother, and I needed to be accepted for who I am and I’d have no choice about going back to work.

I was tired of working a job I didn’t enjoy, I was tired of doing jobs I was so bad at I hated them, I was tired of living in a place I hated for my whole life, I was tired of being treated like a prisoner who was “given” away to someone I didn’t want to be. All I wanted was to just be allowed to be. I don’t feel this way today…

…and yet, today …

My pregnancy was the most beautiful and satisfying, yet exhausting time of my life. And though I didn’t experience any of these feelings, I always felt like I needed to be there for my husband and our son. I knew exactly what I wanted for our future….

He was born in a hospital in the U.S., and although I wasn’t able to see our son, I still felt like I needed to be there for him too. I felt like he needed to be surrounded by a family that loved him, especially on his last day, I felt like I didn’t have anymore time to be at home. It’s difficult to describe…

…and yet, today …

I still feel a great sense of urgency to be there for him, and to spend as much time with him as I can. I think when I was growing up, it meant as much to me as it does today.

I was lucky enough to give birth to both of us just a little under a year ago. I feel like it was only yesterday that I received my baby…

…and for me, that means I still feel like it was yesterday that I received him. I still go through my life thinking of that first baby and its mom, and I still cry out, “What did I ever do to you?”…

…and yet, today …

I think I actually feel as though I missed you more during that pregnancy…I have spent the last year or so really focusing on you, and I think that’s something for I.M. to consider in their future as well. The future doesn’t wait for you …

I miss not only you, but our baby, and I know it’s sad that I have to admit as much, but at this age I’m having the feeling of being the mother once again.