What Would I Change?

I think that what would really set me back from making it farther than other ladies is my attitude. You need a certain way with people and you need to want to get things done. I’m not really like that, but we all need someone to hold us up when we’re down. It’s important to be the one you could hang on to if life gets you down.

My mother died four years ago (at the age of 66) . My family and I are moving forward. My dad (who passed in December) and I have not talked much, but I have done a good job of being the one that has been there for him. I think he still loves me and wants the best for me, even though it is harder and harder to be there for me as I get older.

I wish I kept pictures of all of my memories. It would be nice to be able to sit back and relive them and share them with anyone who wants to.

I’ve only met one of my children, though… so I don’t know much about him. I love him and we get along really well. There’s something about having this child that makes you feel normal. Not normal as in happy, but normal as in your child isn’t out there breaking your heart or getting your hopes down.

I’m sorry that I can’t give you more of a perspective about me as an individual. But since we’ve been away so long, I guess it’s worth taking a moment to try my best and try to relate to this little girl. What would I want for her? 

What Would I Change?

To be sure I was being as honest as possible, I’ve tried to find another way for all of this to come out. I’ve asked her to come out of my life and to leave her room… but I don’t think I can do that. I’m getting so close. I can’t let her go!

There is a picture of myself at my first kiss with my new fiancee… I’m standing there between her and John, my new best friend. That picture makes me smile and feel warm… it makes me remember everything. It makes me look happy.

I think the hardest thing was to lose my parents. No one can ever replace that. The only way I can make up for that is to keep living. I was a teenager for most of my youth and I was living in my own universe. I was looking at and dating my future husbands while we were still in high school or high school years. Even though they don’t look like me, they feel the same way about me. It made me think, the same way that I thought you probably thought, that love can take more than just two people. 

What Would I Change?

What I would change… I would take that same “What would I change?” and put it into another direction: I think I’d like to be a mom. I want a family. To be close to everyone and to be involved in what happens to my babies. Even though a family is not what I wanted… I want a family for all of us. We don’t always see and know how important family is… that family is us… we’re family. To be involved in those things… I’m in.

What Would I Change… I don’t like how much the world will let me down. I was a little crazy until I got married. I have a lot of life I want to live on the inside… I want to be a better sister… I want to watch my kids grow up more and then I want to get closer to them and understand them a little more. Because growing up and being a woman… I don’t think anyone understands what it would be like to grow up in a female body without the breasts, to be a mother and to have to raise women from a young age.