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Wellness

When My Little Sister Was Born

I know, I know, it’s no big deal, but I wasn’t expecting, I didn’t expect it to happen. I know, I know, it’s no big deal, but I wasn’t expecting, I didn’t expect it to happen.

I wanted very much to see my sister. I knew the time had come to bring her to me. When the time came to see him in our first year at college, he wasn’t able to make it. He was just too busy working. That was okay, though; I figured that I could take her and stay at home in our tiny apartment and then go up to school and I’d be fine. I thought I’d have just enough time for a quick visit with her. It turned out that I couldn’t take her that time; I was too busy and stressed out with college and my work and I’m still not completely okay with not seeing her. I guess as good parents, I was good and supportive and kind…but in all other ways I was kind of a lousy father. 

I wanted very much to see my sister. I knew the time had come to bring her to me. When the time came to see him in our first year at college, he wasn’t able to make it. He was just too busy working. That was okay, though; I figured that I could take her and stay at home in our tiny apartment and then go up to school and I’d be fine. I thought I’d have just enough time for a quick visit with her. It turned out that I couldn’t take her that time; I was too busy and stressed out with college and my work and I’m still not completely okay with not seeing her.

I want to say that I’ve come to terms with that now. I know that I shouldn’t have, and I know that I never will. I know that this is the way things are, and I know that there will be days after this when my heart will be broken and I want to cry and think about being away from her and being so far away from our life together. It is going to hurt. It hurts too much to be afraid to see her. It hurts to feel as though I’m an asshole for wanting so badly for her to be my best friend with my precious baby sister in my arms. But I am. I am.

I want to say that I’ve come to terms with that now. I know that I shouldn’t have, and I know that I never will. I know that this is the way things are, and I know that there will be days after this when my heart will be broken and I want to cry and think about being away from her and being so far away from our life together. It is going to hurt. It hurts too much to be afraid to see her. It hurts to feel as though I’m an asshole for wanting so badly for her to be my best friend with my precious baby sister in my arms. But I am.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done. It’s been nearly a week now, and I still don’t have an answer. It’s pretty easy to point the finger and say that I was a terrible father to my little sister, that I was a horrible brother, that I put my own needs above those of a child, but that can’t be true in the same way that it may not have been true before.  I know that I didn’t mean to hurt her, that I’m a good person, but I just don’t know what to do. It hurts to know that even though I care more for my sister now than I ever have…even though I’ve tried to make up for what I did with my time, and I’m trying to do whatever I can to be the best father and husband and friend that I can…I’m just a bad dad.

I don’t just want you to know that these are my feelings…you also need to be aware that these are the feelings of a man who lost himself. I lost myself a long time ago. I had my own kids and a wife with me, and I was living in the suburbs. I made a lot of big life choices for myself, and they helped me to be happy and successful in my life. I did have friends and I did have a good job and I had a nice home.

I was happy and successful but, boy, did I ever love. 

I don’t know how to explain the kind of love that I felt for my sister–the love that is hard to fully explain to those who have never shared their own life. 

I don’t know how to describe the warmth and light in my sister’s eyes when I told her that she couldn’t come back to my home with me and she could stay with her grandparents for the next four years.