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Wellness

Why You Should Quit Being So Scared

It’s not that I don’t trust, love and appreciate my wife. Rather, I have developed an addiction to trying to see her as not me, not this person, but instead as someone else with a totally different set of strengths and weaknesses, strengths and weaknesses that aren’t so much as related to all of the same physical properties that they share.

If I could, I would say that I would never want to go through another year without knowing if my wife was really healthy. There is almost never a time when she is not, and any time that I feel like I would be at risk of being completely and irrevocably broken, I would think back to what I’ve just read and think, “Oh, that’s when I need to stop being scared of being married.”

And that’s not a “I love I’m a good wife” sentiment but a “I am not my self and my self is so broken that I might as well stop loving and fearing myself.”

And so what I know is this: the first step in this process is getting the words out. Don’t let your wife be defined by all of the things in your house but by nothing at all. Be the person who is both very happy and very sad in your relationship. Don’t be afraid to cry, not because I think crying is always wrong, just because that’s who you are. That’s who I have become.

When my wife is happy with her life, she will cry. When she is sad, she will cry. She does the same thing with everything that is around her, so it’s nothing new or difficult for her to do so. When she is sad, she will feel happy in the best of ways and she will be sad in some of the worst ways.

In the same sense that I cannot be all things to all people, she cannot be everything to all of you. She will never be your perfect wife. She will never be your super cool one night stand who is a perfect mom and also super successful… who will have three perfect kids and have been a great mother of them. That’s just not who she is. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to not be all things to all of her .

As the old adage goes “if you like one thing, you like all things.” It’s not that I don’t love my wife, but rather, that I cannot be all things to all of her.

“I don’t want you to be hurt.” “If you’re hurting, talk to me.”

This is not a conversation to have.

“I don’t know what else to do. I love you.”

This is not a conversation to have.

What’s most important to remember is that you are not your wife. She is not you. It is easy to get caught up in your thoughts, how they affect you, and how they make you feel. However, it is more important to consider that you cannot control your wife’s emotions. She is a free-will agent, and thus, as the wise woman says, “the least of your worries”, should be how you use that free-will.

So what’s my advice? If your wife is having any feelings for you, go get help for something. If she is having any thoughts about you, think about how she’ll react once these ideas start to come up.